Advice for writing to my mother?

Discussion of the SES, particularly in the UK.
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Free Thinker
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Advice for writing to my mother?

Postby Free Thinker » Wed Jun 29, 2005 1:43 am

Hi everyone,

For those of who who were involved in the SES as a child, can you give me some advice?

I've talked to my mother some about how growing up in the SoPP affected me, and I also wrote her a letter about it, attaching a lot of pages printed out from Mike G's website about the SES.

She left the school two years ago and has been in therapy ever since but she's by no means recovered (from what the SES did to her, and what personal issues she had that attracted her to the SES to begin with.)

Although I love her, I certainly don't feel like I know her as a person. I can't talk to her freely, and I feel like most of our relationship is superficial "Here's what I did at work this week, I went to the movies with my friends, When are you going tot he dentist?" kind of stuff. I certainly can't discuss most emotional issues with her and I don't feel like I know what she is really like emotionally, or who she is as a whole.

My dad, OTOH, I have a great relationship with. (He left the school after about 17 years, as opposed to my mother's 30.) I know tons about what he was like when he was a child and young man, what he did before he met my mother, who he dated, which drugs he took, what his aspirations were. I can talk to him about emotional topics, and others.

A good example is the difference in conversation. As I mentioned above, my conversations with my mother are short and to the point. We talk about what we've done since we last spoke, and it basically ends there. With my dad, we do that, and then the conversation branches out so that we can talk easily for 3 hours at a time. For example, if I bring up some book that I've read lately, my dad might have some story about something he did when he was younger that related to that, and the conversation will move on from there. That doesn't happen with my mother. So it's not particularly fun to talk to her - especially since I get a LOT of nagging (You don't call me enough, when are you going to write your aunt, send me more photos, why haven't you seen the dentist yet?) Really fun...

Lately she's been wanting me to call her a lot (like once a week or so) and since I haven't been able to (partially time constraints, and partially not wanting to so often) she left a really annoying message on my cell phone the other day.

The funny thing is that despite all those years in the SES trying to get rid of her ego, everything is about HER. I could never talk to her about negative things when I was younger because it would make HER upset even though it had nothing to do with her. (God forbid I be able to talk to my mother when I'm angry...)

I'm really frustrated with all of this and I need to write her a letter explaining it. Although my letter to her about 3 years ago dealt with some issues related to the SES, it didn't specifically deal with it, or what has happened to me as a result. It was more how she affected those issues (even though in many ways they were a result of her being in the SES.) I've had so many problems in my life because of it, that I've worked hard to overcome. I do NOT need her guilt tripping me. Especially because she never really finished answering my first letter, nor has she addressed any of the issues since then.

Sooooo....Those of you who have talked to your parents about these things - how have you done it? Were they very defensive about their involvement? Were there any things you brought up that helped break those defenses? What struck your parents and "made them see the light" in terms of the SES?

One thing I might do (since this website was not yet formed when I wrote her that original letter) is to make up a list of quotes from all of you that echo the experiences I had in the SES or the effects it had on my life. I know one of her defenses in the past was that the things I was complaining about her "personal" to me rather than "universal", which is why Mike's website was so helpful. But not nearly as helpful as all of your personal quotes would be..

Thanks so much in advance!
FT

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Keir
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Postby Keir » Thu Jun 30, 2005 11:40 pm

Hi Free Thinker,

I was struck by your problem and felt that in some way I might be able to help.

If your mother was in the school for 30 years as you say, then two years therapy is just the beginning. It is likely that as a woman in the SES she has had the proverbial shit kicked out of her. As she stayed in when your father left there was probably an extra sense of isolation between her and your father, and if you have never related that closely to her either then she has probably felt quite alone for those years too.

If you want to improve your relationship with your mother you are going to have to accept that she may not be able to do much else apart from heal herself. The greatest gift that you can give to your mother at this time is understanding and patience.

I understand what a bummer that is when you are probably ready to have a long emotional discussion with her about the crap you went through. Maybe you also thought that now she is out of the SES she will be more approachable.

The trouble is your need to have a better relationship with your mother could jeapordise the relationship further if you push too hard for it now. If she is having to undo 30 years of SES conditioning (and the SES conditioning is harder on some than others) AS WELL as trying to figure out why she needed to go there in the first place she could be remote for the next ten years.

With your support and acceptance she might adjust to the real her sooner, but that leaves you without what you wanted in the short term.

On the other hand, by accepting that she needs time and by calmly telling her how her rudeness and impatience makes you feel, and only calling back or writing when you feel able to do that, you may be able to get to know your new mum as she begins to be herself again. That is worth working at and will bring you together over time.

It is hard being expected to be the adult to a parent and you may need to give yourself time to resolve the issues you have on your own before you can be truly accepting of her.

Dealing with even 10 years of St James suppression, at the same time as 15 years of SES membership, has taken me about 20 years to fully unravel, to the point that I can openly talk to my mother about her decision to send me there without needing her apology or losing my temper.

I sympathise with your tragic situation as in my case it is my father who I have difficulty dealing with. He gets drunk and stoned every night and forgets my birthday and is avoiding dealing with childhood issues of his own so is incapable of coping with what I have to say to him.

It is tough and you have to keep checking how you feel. You have to weigh up your desire to have a relationship with your mother with your desire to 'offload'. Find other places (like this BB) to offload and heal yourself and you might find that you can be friends with your mother. Maybe talking to your father about how you feel will help you deal with your need to be heard, and help you to be an undemanding friend to a mother who will need time to recover.

Heartfelt good luck in your journey.

K

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Free Thinker
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Postby Free Thinker » Fri Jul 01, 2005 4:28 am

I PM'd Keir with profuse thanks, so don't nobody think I'm ungrateful for this wonderful reply!

You are right about most of it. I've talked to my best friend, who also was in the SES (her dad still is) and left about two years before I did. And I've also talked to my dad and my husband about it.

In many ways, sending her a letter or talking to her is more for me, personally. Not surprisingly, my SES-childhood makes it very hard for me to discuss emotional issues, especially when negative or confrontational, and one thing I really need to practice is talking to people when I'm bothered about something related to them.

So this would be healing for me to address these issues, at least to bring them up, with her, even if she's not ready to discuss them.

Does that make sense?

I totally understand about being patient and giving her time, but frankly, given that she's still discussing early childhood issues after two years in therapy (and she's 63), she may die before she ever gets around to the present.

I guess I hope that if I tell her how much it means to me to talk about this stuff, perhaps she'll make an effort sooner.


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