Postby David. » Sun Nov 21, 2004 10:32 pm
I am a former St James pupil, and haven?t contributed to this forum yet. I only recently became aware of it, and reading the posts left me with a dull, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, which I remember as a regular feature of my 10 years there. In my experience St James was a cold loveless place, where pain, and fear of pain were used as an instrument to force children to conform to the SES?s prescription of what a schoolchild should be.
Although I witnessed some, I managed to escape most of the random acts of violence that people have described in their posts, perhaps because I was fairly tall and physically strong for my age. What I think was much worse, and affected me most though, was the institutionalized bullying of some children by teachers, and I was one of them. This came right from the top. Children who did not conform to the SES ideal were picked out, and labelled by the headmaster. This included the physically weak, anyone who questioned the school doctrine, showed signs of developing a critical independent mind, and often those with learning difficulties. In my case I essentially had a good character, but had a bad attitude, which had to be removed by strict disciplining at every opportunity.
As my form teacher, Will Rasmussen was for many years an enthusiastic and dedicated enforcer of this regime, and often sent me to be beaten by the headmaster for any minor instance where he thought I had lived up to this description. In this respect for me he played a full part in creating the atmosphere of fear that was the overriding feature of many children?s lives at the schools.
In my memory he arrived at the school a light-hearted, happy and engaging teacher, and was almost instantly respected by his pupils, but within a very short period of time he became colder, authoritarian and to me had the appearance of a man carrying a heavy burden.
In all my time at school though, I don?t remember Will ever hitting or using physical force on any pupil. He was also an intelligent man, obviously loved his subject, and by all accounts was a good teacher (just a shame I had no interest in ancient languages!).
Unlike most teachers, he also on occasions showed signs of warmth and some understanding.
I was recently offered the chance to meet Will, and thought the opportunity was too good to turn down. We met last week and had an enjoyable, and open discussion. I was surprised to find that, although after 20 years I?ve discovered I still have a deep anger about my treatment as a child, none of it was directed at Will. I can?t explain this, because it should be. Perhaps it could be that even at that young age I thought he was basically a decent human being, but in my view became corrupted by the SES regime.
What struck me when we talked was that he seemed quite surprised at the effects of his actions, as if he had never truly considered them. Although he recognised the kind of instances I described to him, it seems he had never seen them that way at the time. I think Barrington Barber and David Hipshons posts describe something similar.
I had not met Will with the intention to make specific accusations, or ask for any apology, so I was surprised when towards the end he apologised unconditionally to me for his actions. I wasn?t expecting it, and I had to look him in the eye and asked if he meant it, and could see that he did. I accepted his apology, and as far as I?m concerned he?s completely forgiven.
I was also surprised he hadn?t read Barbers and Hipshons apologies, and I asked him to read the posts on this site, as I think these apologies mean a lot to a lot people who suffered at St James/Vedast. It was then that he voluntarily offered to post on the site himself.
I think it takes great courage to apologize in public, and Wills instinctive reaction confirms my first impressions of him, all those years ago. I hope he will continue to read the accounts here, and reflect further on his involvement. I also genuinely wish him happiness and success in his new career and life outside the SES.
David
PS. Nicholas, if you feel you would like to contribute, away from this site, do feel free to contact me privately.