Cheers, ADG. The couples I have in mind have been attending for about the same amount of time.
I think you're probably right when you suggest my husband acts as a sort of buffer for over-immersion in the school. You're also right when you suggest that I'm a pretty strong-willed person (some people might put it less politely:), as is my husband. I see many examples of unattached people (mainly middle-aged women) spending upwards of 20 hours a week at the school or at school-related activities. Frankly, I assume they either have nothing better to do; they are unable to discuss the school and its expectations with an impartial source, so become excessively absorbed relatively easily; they enjoy what they're doing, and/or they are tending towards a monastic lifestyle, to a degree. I don't actually have any problem with those last couple.
You say your relatives have excluded friends and family from their circle in favour of SOP company. You seem like you've looked into this a bit, so I imagine you're probably familiar with the SOP notion of "good company" - good company can be defined as the ideas, people and sensory input you choose to surround yourself with. This ties in to the notion of always looking for the "finest" in music, literature, discourse, etc. The idea is that negative people, critical people - negative and critical in general, not about the SOP - or people who influence your behaviour negatively (excessive drinking, drugs, gossip, profanity, etc) are not helpful to the goal of self-realisation or enlightenment (and this is intended almost purely in the Hindu sense).
Anyway, it's my experience that some people take the notion of "good company" to an extreme, and take it very literally. When I've asked about how this ties in to established company that might be considered "negative", the intelligent response has been that you should meet the situation as the needs require - meeting family commitments comes into that; as does the idea that you have an equal responsibility to exert some calming influence on people around you, as you do to take care of your own spiritual wellbeing. Some senior members are quite involved in community activities, including their children's school, social (non SOP) groups, sporting groups etc. Some others have chosen to cloister themselves and only venture out of the house when the social occasion or demand has its origins with the SOP. Maybe these folks aren't feeling quite so steady in themselves, and feel the need to be constantly externally reminded of what their ultimate spiritual goal is.
There are some things taught by the school that can be taken too literally, or with blinkered vision, or interpreted within the individual's own system of values, or filtered through some other need that they may not even be aware of at the time. I think excluding non-SOP friends and family is one of these things - "good company" is not meant to suggest that you live in a cave with a few books of scripture and some like-minded people. I'll also mention that I've many times been exposed to the idea that people outside the SOP can be your teachers, too - that a spiritual path such as the one espoused by the SOP is by no means the defining mark of a wise person, or the defining mark of "good company". The thing is that everyone is supposed to be working on the same goals within the SOP, and trying to act in an intelligent and attentive manner - so if you screw up and abuse someone or get cranky or break down in tears for no reason, people within the SOP are (theoretically) more likely to empathise, or attribute non-personal reasons to the behaviour. This appeals to people - it's a bit of a "safe haven" while working on yourself.
As to the "prescribed diet" you mention in relation to their kids - there is no "prescribed diet". There is a certain type of food which is served on residentials, namely fruits, salads, cheeses, nuts, bread and rice. This is supposed to be a "light" way of eating that doesn't contribute to lethargy of body or mind while on residential. Did you know that the school in London used to serve three-course meals that included roast meats? That was apparently part of the "finest of everything" approach. The later eastern influence tipped the scales in favour of a vegetarian diet, though. Having said this, I've never been told what to eat at home, or had it suggested to me that I should change my or my family's diet. I have been told that "different bodies require different things", and the head of school's family serves their child meat when he requests it, and eat it occasionally themselves. The main "prescription" regarding food is to eat only until you are full, and to give full attention to taste when you are eating - this attention will prescribe your diet for you, be it a need for meat, or a need for fruit, or whatever.
As to the interstate residential - no, it is not generally advised for people to go visiting while on residential. This is because the nature of the residential is supposed to be similar to a Christian "retreat", where the person or couple is reflecting, meditating, studying scripture, and performing tasks geared towards the SOP aim of "being in the present moment". Continuity is preferred on these residentials, which is why extended absences are not recommended. I know of people who leave for a couple hours in the afternoon to go have a beer at the pub, and I myself have gone out and bought chocolate
and fish and chips a couple of times. Going out to the pub isn't advised, for obvious reasons, but I've always mentioned where I was going when I've gone to the shops to buy chocolate or indulge in fish and chips. Your relatives are perfectly free to visit their sibling before or after the residential, though - is there a reason why this isn't possible? Regarding the cost of these residentials, I think I mentioned before that my school will often pick up the cost for those who can't afford it at the time, with the understanding that they will be paid back in instalments over time, as funds permit. I have also declined to attend two residentials because I simply couldn't justify the expense at the time, and my tutor has agreed that it would have been irresponsible of me to go at these times.
I'm sorry to hear that your relatives don't seem to be any happier for their involvement in the school. If I can speak frankly, it could be that they are seeing their involvement with the school as some kind of task they have to "succeed" at, and do everything by the book in hopes of some recognition as "enlightened souls", which is never forthcoming, btw.
Obviously I can't speculate very far because I don't know them from a bar of soap. The couples like this in my experience are very much into "getting it right", and forget to pay attention to what's going on around them, which is actually the big idea behind the SOP. Pay attention and meet the need of the moment with intelligence and awareness, whatever that need happens to be. It's also said that only
you know what that need is, because you're the one in the situation at that time.
I've rambled on for quite long enough - if you have other specific questions, I'd be happy to answer them as best I can from my own experience. I would suggest talking to your relatives - or maybe writing them - and outlining your concerns in a non judgemental way. Remember that they undoubtedly think they are doing what's best for their children and themselves, and in my experience the teachings of the school are indeed very useful in attaining a sense of inner stillness and contentment. Sometimes, though, the application of this teaching needs some work.