More about St James' Girls

Discussion of the children's schools in the UK.
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ET
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More about St James' Girls

Postby ET » Fri May 13, 2005 3:00 pm

Hi!
I can?t really believe that this site exists, I think it?s great, and about time too! It?s strange, isn?t it, how we all seem to have thought that we were alone in those hellish schooldays. If only we?d realised at the time! I was at St James? Girl?s School from 1979 until 1989, from the age of 4 until I was 14. Anyone who was in my class at that time will recognise my nickname ? the problem with having those initials during the 80s was that you were stuck with shouts of ?Phone Home? in the school corridors!
My name is Liz (although I was Elizabeth in those days). I?m not going to give my surname, as I (like so many of the people on this forum) still have relatives in SES. They are old now, and I don?t want them to find out about all this yet.
So, what are my stories about the girl?s school? Well, I, like jojo and the girl she remembers having her foot stamped on, was victimised my Chris Southwell. That sadistic bastard made my life such hell, that when I was hit by a car near my home a few months before we were due to leave the school, my first thought when they told me I was going to have to stay in hospital for a few days was ?Thank God I don?t have to go to PE tomorrow.?
He hated me. I was slow, not good at games at all, and scared of heights. I also wore glasses from the age of nine, and so couldn?t see anything clearly during PE lessons. I couldn?t jump high enough to get over the ?horse?, and had to jump, slam my knees against the side of it, and then pull myself up by my arms. This wasn?t good enough for him, and he often made me do it for the whole lesson, so that my knees were badly bruised. One week, he forced me up his beloved apparatus, and made me swing myself along the metal bar (which seemed to me to be hundreds of feet above the ground ? it was probably at least 7 feet high), even though I was terrified and hysterical, and my hands were so sweaty I kept losing my grip. He stamped on my hands and feet, he pulled my hair, he yanked me by my arms around the hall, and all the while keeping up a running commentary on how useless I was. I dreaded every lesson, and used to cry all the way to school. We used to travel in with the school secretary and her family, and if she noticed, she didn?t care.
He wasn?t the only one though. My form teacher in junior school, Mrs Graves, once dragged me down three flights of stairs at No. 90 by my hair, after she convinced herself I had been talking in class (it was the girl behind me, naturally), so fast my feet couldn?t keep up and my ankles bumped all the way down. She dumped me outside my little sister?s classroom and told me that now my sister would see what a wicked girl I was and she would be ashamed. That was worse than the journey down the stairs, and I worried and worried until break time, when my sister came out with her class. Of course, she didn?t care, put her arm round me and we went down to break together, but that time standing there was torture.
Then, at some point in my time there (I can?t remember exactly when), my parents decided to leave SES. I?m glad they did for their sakes, but it made my life (and my sister and brother?s lives) much, much harder. We were no longer to be trusted (not that we were much before!). I had belongings stolen (they said confiscated, but I never got some of them back), I was accused of every ?crime? that occurred in the school, and it didn?t matter how much I kept my head down, I was always in trouble. To make matters worse, my parents didn?t want us to meditate, so I had to sit at the back of the class and read the Bible during meditation sessions. I?m glad I didn?t have to meditate, but at the time, it just made me stand out even more, which by this point was the last thing I wanted.
Of course, it wasn?t until after we left, and I started at a normal private girl?s school in Brighton, that I realised that anything was wrong with the way I?d been treated. Having been at St James? for my whole school life, I just thought this was what school was like. It was miserable, but it was school, and I had to put up with it. How many others on this forum didn?t realise quite how bad it all was until they left?
It?s taken me 15 years, including nearly 4 years of intensive therapy, to get to the point where I can talk about my experiences without getting upset and having nightmares. My sister still hasn?t reached that point. It makes me absolutely furious to think that those bastards have coloured such a large part of my life, and the lives of my siblings, not to mention my mother, who grew up in SES and has been profoundly damaged by it. They have affected everything, from my time at University, when I got closer to suicide than I wish to think about now, right through to my ability to trust people and form friendships now.
Thank goodness this forum is here, and we can all start to talk to each other about it at last. I would be interested to know how many other people on the forum have had therapy to help them get over all this. And is there anything we can do together that might change things now? I find it hard to believe that the schools have changed that much, as the SES philosophy seems to still be firmly in place.

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Re: More about St James' Girls

Postby Alban » Fri May 13, 2005 5:42 pm

Hi Liz

ET wrote:...Well, I, like jojo and the girl she remembers having her foot stamped on, was victimised my Chris Southwell. That sadistic bastard made my life such hell, that when I was hit by a car near my home a few months before we were due to leave the school, my first thought when they told me I was going to have to stay in hospital for a few days was ?Thank God I don?t have to go to PE tomorrow.?
He hated me. I was slow, not good at games at all, and scared of heights. I also wore glasses from the age of nine, and so couldn?t see anything clearly during PE lessons. I couldn?t jump high enough to get over the ?horse?, and had to jump, slam my knees against the side of it, and then pull myself up by my arms. This wasn?t good enough for him, and he often made me do it for the whole lesson, so that my knees were badly bruised. One week, he forced me up his beloved apparatus, and made me swing myself along the metal bar (which seemed to me to be hundreds of feet above the ground ? it was probably at least 7 feet high), even though I was terrified and hysterical, and my hands were so sweaty I kept losing my grip. He stamped on my hands and feet, he pulled my hair, he yanked me by my arms around the hall, and all the while keeping up a running commentary on how useless I was. I dreaded every lesson, and used to cry all the way to school. We used to travel in with the school secretary and her family, and if she noticed, she didn?t care...


You know the really annoying thing is, despite being mentioned more than most (along with David Lacey), we have heard not so much as a whisper from Chris Southwell (or Lacey for that matter). All most of us wanted was recognition and an apology that they got things wrong, or went over the top etc. Things went quite well for a while with 3 teachers coming out with genuine responses, until I guess the old SES machinery got working a silenced everyone. Either that, or those individuals still believe that what they did was right, which considering that they are still teaching, would be a particularly damning indictment on St. James Independent Schools.

Instead now we have the situation where the school wants to set up an enquiry at great expense (both time and money) to prove what we all know and has been written about countless times on this site. It's a crazy situation because it could have been so simple, but now they have just succeeded in annoying everybody and soliciting more negative publicity, while dragging this out.

So, what will be the outcome...does it really matter?...No, because the people who feel aggrieved will not be fobbed off with anything less than a full apology. So either it is given, in which case it could have been given without an enquiry, or the enquiry results (impartial or otherwise) will be spun so they appear to be vindicating the school, which will incense people more and thus make the situation worse. Still, it will come as no surprise to anyone who has been through the SES and their schools, that this cock-eyed way of doing things has been the approach they have chosen.

ET wrote:I would be interested to know how many other people on the forum have had therapy to help them get over all this.


You are not alone Liz, many of the people here have gone through therapy or counselling, and a surprisingly high percentage have been close to (or driven to) suicide.

You have also described the same pattern of slow recovery that many of us have experienced. I'm glad you seemed to have purged all the SES ideology despite how deep-seated it gets lodged in one's psyche. Hopefully by contributing to this site you will gain comfort in the fact that there are many others out here who can directly relate to your experiences.

...and who knows, one day, we may all be able to draw a line under this particularly unpleasant chunk of our lives.

Alban

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Postby Shout » Sat May 14, 2005 3:29 pm

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Tom Grubb
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Postby Tom Grubb » Sat May 14, 2005 4:11 pm

Hi Liz,

It's great to have you on this forum!

Southwell was a major abuser. His continued silence, as Alban points out, is extremely irritating, particularly as he is still so closely involved with St James and must have seen what people have written about him.

I can strongly relate to what you say about him. I was abused by him myself and can still remember the pleasure he took in assaulting other pupils. I can also directly relate to what you say about coming close to suicide and problems forming friendships. (And, like Shout, I have had my share of problems with alcohol.) I'm delighted that you can now talk about your experiences without getting upset. I wish I could!

All the best,

Tom

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Postby ET » Sat May 14, 2005 7:30 pm

Thanks for all your replies. I think I might have given the impression that I'm more sorted out than I actually am! I've had a hard time over the last couple of days, since posting my original post.
I think it's because, although I've told those stories many times, in an effort to get friends to understand how bad it really was; now I'm telling them to people who know what it was like. It kind of makes the whole thing more real, rather than a story designed to shock, if you see what I mean.
I guess that when I say I don't get upset, I mean that the therapy has helped me to deal better with the emotions it always brings up. I too have an addiction, but it's not to alcohol, but food. I eat. I can keep it under control, but it's been almost impossible the last couple of days.
Thank goodness we've all found each other now. I hope, like Alban, that having this support and vindication of our memories will help us all start to move on.

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Postby Snowman » Mon May 16, 2005 10:58 am

Hello ET,

I was in your opposite year (I think that I have identified who you are correctly) and I am glad for you that you have found this forum and have found some benefit in it already.

Don't be afraid that you have had a hard time since posting your original testimony. It is very brave of you to have done so. When I first posted my testimony at the end of last year, I too experienced a deep emotional strife but now feel that it was a great step on the right road to dealing with the anger and bitterness that I have obviously been harbouring for decades.

Simultaneously there is relief and anguish as the feelings come rushing forward and then out - now they are out the process of dealing with them is started. I have been able to understand the pattern of my life since leaving school and in doing so I have realised how my behaviour and atttudes during the last decade had been so intrinsically formed by my experiences of St James, SES and home life (SES as well).

I would always defend the school and the teachings of SES and even believed that I had been privileged to have been introduced to the 'secrets' of the creation. This narrowminded perspective prevented me from accepting friendships and from accepting people for who they were. Such a negative perspective made be criticise everyone in my mind and I rarely had a nice thought about anyone. Fortunately there were some people who obviously recognised subconciously that this was not my true character and I thank God that they were there. Over time I realised that my perceived superior knowledge was nothing more than a hangover from the teachings and attitudes that had been foisted on me by St J and SES. I used to believe that a friend of mine at the time was in need of help and I had the knowledge and answers to be able to open her mind spiritually. Quite rightly she never belived a word of it and in truth she saved me from my arrogance and mistrust of fellow human beings. She is now my wife and we have an extremely open and loving relationship founded on genuine trust and respect.

The arrogance of the SES and St James teachings are exteremly dangerous in this respect. They instil in very young children ideas and concepts of behaviour that are negative and critical of fellow mankind. All the while the victim is boosted by the notion that such hubristic single-minded faith in a greater cause justifies these behaviours. As a young child at St James you are persistently bullied into accepting these notions as absolute truths through an ideological construct (The Teaching) administered directly or through the behaviour of teachers. Children trust and accept what those in authority say - couple this with the threat of punishment at any moment and the child is immediately and effectively dependent. Those in authority who wished could then exercise free rein to bully and abuse and there was NOTHING that the child could do about it.

This helps to explain also why we never discussed it with our peers at the time or even many years after. The system did not promote camaraderie amongst pupils but deliberately set one against another in an extremely subtle way - thus leaving little room for any challenge to be mounted by the victims against the abusers. This forum has provided so many people with an opportunity to begin dressing the wounds that never healed but were left to fester for so many years. The way in which each person goes about dressing their wounds is an entirely personal journey but we can at least find comfort and confidence in knowing - through this forum - that we are not alone and that the damage done was done to all of us who experienced it. I now know that I haven't constructed my memories of being abused at St James - those ghastly recollectios of fear, anxiety and lonliness were real and no dose of SES teaching can keep the veil over my eyes.

So Liz, I hope that you find lasting peace through your journey and remember that you are not the the wicked, shameful, untrustworthy or useless. You are brave, compassionate, honest and loved.

I have siblings and friends too who have not begun their journey of healing and in every single case the barriers in their minds are the memories that fill them with anger, fear, anxiety, lonliness and hatred for those who took advantage of them in such a cowardly manner.

To stop this nonsense from being perpetuated through the generations is for the truth to be known. How that happens is as yet an unanswered question but there are people out there and reading this who are making great efforts to do something. I have heard about at least 3 groups taking action with varying degrees of militancy.

No amount of carefully controlled words can deflect criticism from the SES, which is ultimately responsible for this mess. It is a wealthy organisation that is supervised by PR experts, advertising specialists and lawyers and it will do everything in it's power to deflect and denounce criticism. It is this arrogance and belligerence that will ultimately be its downfall. Their cowardly appointment of David Boddy as headmaster of St James only reinforces the fact that there is no remorse on the part of St James for the abuses of the past. As long as there is a headmaster with no teaching qualifications or relevant experience who is also a senior member of the SES, how are we expected to believe that the dangerous influence of the SES is no longer an issue at the current schools. Furthermore how are we expected to believe that considering this situation that acknowledgement of past abuses at St James and St Vedast will be forthcoming, let alone an apology.

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Postby Shout » Mon May 16, 2005 5:05 pm

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Postby ET » Tue May 17, 2005 10:00 am

Snowman wrote:So Liz, I hope that you find lasting peace through your journey and remember that you are not the the wicked, shameful, untrustworthy or useless. You are brave, compassionate, honest and loved.


Hi Snowman, and thanks for the above words of comfort. It's very hard to accept the good things after a whole childhood filled with the bad ones.
With the help of my siblings (despite all we went through and the damage caused, we are all still very close and completely support each other) and also my wonderful partner, I have been able to start learning to believe the good things people say about me.
I think that every person on this forum who has been damaged by SES in any way should read these words you wrote and apply them to themselves; and we must all try and believe that we are not responsible for what happened to us. That was the biggest lesson I learned from my therapy - it wasn't my fault, and I never provoked one single incidence of the abuse that I received.

I have also been lucky enough to hang on to my best friend at St James'. If you remember me, then you'll probably remember her, we were inseparable! It's been hard sometimes over the years to maintain the friendship, as we've both had to deal with the personal emotional consequences of what happened to us. However, I feel we are now able to stick two fingers up at SES, who, like you said, didn't encourage us to form lasting friendships, that we have been close friends now for 26 years. I can't imagine my life without her in it, and can't remember a time when she wasn't around.

I thought you might all like to hear of something positive that has come out of all this. I doubt that she and I would have been friends for so long if we hadn't been through so much both individually and together.

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Postby daska » Wed May 18, 2005 10:16 pm

Hi Liz

Thank you for your memories of Southwell, what you've written has triggered some more memories for me. I had the same problem with the horse, I just couldn't get over it, luckily the physical feature that made the horse impossible meant I was one of the few who could do backward rolls really easily - my one redeeming feature - I can remember voluntarily jogging back to school after running around the Serpentine just to avoid him. He enjoyed inflicting pain in whatever way and whenever he could. Oh how he loved throwing that medicine ball at us!

Good teacher memory alert: Mrs Thomas, we begged her not to leave! Gym was fun with her, I used to look forward to it.

It's no laughing matter really - I went from enthusiastic and active and learnt to avoid deliberate organised physical exercise whenever possible just because of Southwell. Something I have never managed to outgrow.

Seeing Southwell again a few years ago (Nov 2001) sat outside a coffee shop in Ken High Street I had to double check that it really was him - he looked half the man he had been: very old, tired and ill, he was almost literally grey in colour. Bizarre really, there couldn't have been a greater disparity between my feelings towards him and those of the guy we were with - he was thrilled to have bumped into him, couldn't wait to catch up - did the boys ever have Southwell for games - how can he be remembered affectionately?! Well, I guess if you were really good at games it probably a completely different experience! Anyway, I slunk away with the other girls and two of us carefully didn't talk about him (the other girl was never a pupil).

Southwell was, and in all probability still is, a nasty, vicious, sadistic thug.

Ironically one of my worst memories of Southwell ties in with my only good memory of Caldwell. I sprained my wrist or possibly my elbow I think (I just remember pain, nausea and dizzyness) during one of those awful games sessions at Wormwood Scrubs, I remember it was a really hot sunny day, but he made me carry on with whatever it was we were doing. We then had a whole school assembly with Caldwell and the other teachers so she could bollock us about something. We were all stood in the assembly room at 33 singing some nonsense or other and when she called me forward I thought I was about to get ranted at in front of the whole school for something - not standing up straight maybe (or even steady, I think I was very close to passing out). I was terrified, I was in a lot of pain and I was dehydrated and I couldn't understand what was going on, in the end she had to pull me out and forcibly sit me down on her chair (yep, I got to sit in the good upholstered wooden one instead of a metal and canvas thing). She even sent someone to get a glass of water for me. Which in some ways was even more embarassing! She did tell me off as well - for crying and not obeying instantly - well I really wasn't expecting compassion...

And mirroring your positive outcome, yes, I came out of the school with two strong friendships. I consider myself very lucky to have done so. Neither come from SES families and I used to escape to them whenever possible both while we were at school and until I left home and got married.

Best wishes to you

Daska
Last edited by daska on Thu May 19, 2005 6:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

Matthew
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Postby Matthew » Wed May 18, 2005 10:38 pm

daska wrote:did the boys ever have Southwell for games - how can he be remembered affectionately?!


Yes, we certainly did.

I wrote about some of our encounters with Southwell here.
Incredible to think him and Lacey are still being employed there.
Last edited by Matthew on Thu May 19, 2005 9:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby ET » Thu May 19, 2005 8:08 am

Hi Daska,

Glad to hear I wasn't the only one - I can completely sympathise with an aversion to exercise, I have to struggle now to convince myself it's a good idea to do some! And I had a tutor at University who reminded me so strongly of Southwell that I couldn't be in the same room as him (he was nothing like him in temperament, just looked identical) and missed half of one of my modules as a result. I'm glad I've never met him in the street like that, what a shock that must have been for you!
You mentioned Mrs Thomas as a good teacher - I don't think I ever had her, but I would like to mention another good teacher, Mrs Payne. She was my form teacher and she left at the same time I did. I believe she was hounded out. My favourite memory of her is that she always used to bring in a film for us to watch on the last day of term. But I'll never forget the time Mrs West (deputy head at the time) caught us watching the terrible 80's comedy "Inner Space". She came into the room just at the point where the main characters were in a disco (horror of horrors!) and poor Mrs Payne was taken out of the room and yelled at in the hearing of the entire class.
I've since heard that she rejoined SES, after a long time away from their poisonous influence. Does anyone else know anything about her and what happened to her after she left?

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Postby daska » Thu May 19, 2005 6:28 pm

My memory is hazy! Mrs Payne who taught Biology and Chemistry? Lived in the Barbican? Made super hot chocolate and explained the chemistry behind the skin on top of it? I think she changed her name at some point though from or to what I can't remember. I agree, she was probably my favorite teacher after Miss Picton. And Mrs West wasn't bad overall. She certainly didn't have a bad temper in comparison to Willibum or Loulla. Always thought it was a pity that Caldwell didn't retire and let her take over.

Perhaps we need a string just for the human/good teachers?

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Postby ET » Fri May 20, 2005 11:50 am

Yes, that's the one! She did change her name (well remembered!) as she was married to a Mr Piper, who died.
I don't have such good memories of Mrs West, although you're right, she was better than Caldwell (but then who isn't!).
A stream about good teachers, and also more positive experiences of the schools, might not be such a bad idea. Not all of my memories are bad.
What do others think?

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Postby mgormez » Sun May 22, 2005 12:07 am

Not that you need it but you have my blessing.
Mike Gormez

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Postby ET » Sun May 22, 2005 8:32 am

Thanks Mike, not sure why I asked that question really! :Fade-color


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