Who here has anger problems?

Discussion of the children's schools in the UK.
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Free Thinker
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Who here has anger problems?

Postby Free Thinker » Fri Jul 01, 2005 4:33 am

And by this, I mean problems with anger itself, problems getting angry, problems addressing those who have angered you, etc.?

This is long the lines of the emotional surpression that most of us have experienced, but it goes deeper than that for me.

For a long time, I couldn't get angry. I'd cry! Then I ended up looking like a "hysterical" woman and couldn't properly address those who'd made me angry. It's hard to talk when you're sobbing!

Now I'm better at it, but still have a big problem confronting those I'm angry with.

I haven't spoken to a friend of mine in 2 years because when we went back to NYC to visit two summers ago, I was really hurt that she didn't make time in her schedule to see me. But I haven't been able to write to her about it.

OTOH - those who have problems controlling anger are also free to discuss. I'm sure the SES has churned out both of us!

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Postby ET » Fri Jul 01, 2005 9:21 am

Hi Free Thinker,

I completely identify with this one! I too always cry when I'm angry, and it makes me seem so ineffectual, it is indeed impossible to talk when you're crying!

I also have this terrible fear when I do get angry with someone. I hate it so much that I often apologise to them when I really shouldn't have to just to clear it up in my own head.

I totally blame SES for this - I used to get so angry as a small child at school I would end up lying on the floor screaming. By the time I got into senior school there was no more fight left in me. It never got me anywhere anyway, so I trained myself not to get upset when I was angry. With the result that now I seem to get extremely upset, out of all proportion with whatever it is that has made me angry.....and then I feel bad about it.

:bad-words: :crazyeyes:

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Postby daska » Fri Jul 01, 2005 9:42 am

both hands raised...!

crying when trying to speak about personal issues

having a very quick temper with non-personal issues

but, and this is the biggest problem in my view as I can apologise and explain the other two...

bottling everything up whenever possible and then surprising people with what appear to be rash and impetuous decisions. they aren't of course because I'll have thought long and hard about what's going on and come to an entirely reasoned course of action. My public persona is often at odds with how I'm feeling on the inside which lulls people into a false sense of security when I'm angry and hurt but makes them feel I am uncaring when actually I am most moved.

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Postby Daniel Gregory » Fri Jul 01, 2005 6:20 pm

Hello all,

I am generally a chilled out dad, but sometimes blow-up at one or all of my kids. When this happens I am immediatly reminded of Mr Bedford, blowing up at me and my class mates. Many of the teachers at St.Vedast liked to shout but Bedford had a red face and a beard so he was more memorable!

I was an angry young man in my twenties but far less now. What makes me cringe when I think back to my twenties and late teens was that I was a terrible snob. A right arragont git.

Did anyone else leave St.Vedast or St.James a bit of a snob or was it just me?

Dan Gregory :mad:

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Postby T.S » Fri Jul 01, 2005 8:03 pm

Yes definately-anger problems more than the snob that is! Which I was as well!
I can't bear any ones' voice when it reminds me of Janet Murray's. I can lash out and have real problems controlling my temper- I get scared that I'll turn out like her, I'm scared to have children sometimes incase I ever lost it and became like her.
In the ugliest parts of me- where my anger lies I feel she still resides in me. Sometimes I feel I need to be exorcised.
I find it really difficult to deal with daily confrontations which is a problem when running a company. I cant deal with finances ,people being late, etc.., but I have blown up at the wrong time and looked like a tit!

My main issue with St James that is left with me is the anger, not so much anger as rage, deep rage. I really want to be free of this.

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Postby Keir » Sun Jul 03, 2005 3:52 am

Anger issues: bottling it up and intellectualising about it until it exploded, generally angry about the world, red mist anger over small things...etc

Snobbishness: The absolute sense that I knew it all - didnt last long, followed by depression

Ah the joys!

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Who here has anger problems?

Postby sallyj » Mon Jul 04, 2005 6:44 pm

me too, crying when I get angry and getting really angry about little things. thought it was just me.

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Postby Keir » Tue Jul 05, 2005 3:23 am

T.S. your anger is appropriate it is just 20 years after the fact. Being vocal on this site and channeling your anger into a positive purpose can help. I have also heard of a good technique that is available called 'Emotional Freedom Technique'. I know of at least one practitioner and one person who has used it to help her deal with buried anger. If you are interested I will find out a few numbers you could call - just p.m. me.

sallyj it is precisely the feeling of being alone that stops many people from talking openly about it, and the scary thing is that there is an institution we all know that is proudly dedicated to spreading this emotional suppression as some form of educational ideal. The greatest challenge to this view is in the testimonies on this BB and the submissions made to the inquiry.

'Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure'

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oh boy

Postby non-conformist » Wed Nov 16, 2005 7:02 pm

I've only just found this topic but boy does it strike a chord!! I bottle things up; I can't talk to people when they p^*% me off; I avoid confrontation at all costs, even to my detrement; I cry when I get angry. The list is endless, but suffice it to say I am emotionally bonkers thanks to SES and St J. Thank you SO much!!!!!

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Postby JC » Sat Nov 26, 2005 11:38 pm

Hi everybody, first time posting on here and a bit scared for some reason! Have been reading the board for quite a while but have only just got up the courage to write anything.
This topic is close to my heart, I have struggled with anger for as long as I can remember but not so much from not being able to control it so much as not being able to express it at all!
I can identify with what Keir says about extreme anger over small things but generally I find it impossible to express anger.
Mainly through fear of retaliation or because of my massive fear of confrontation which stops me from even being able to go and tell my neighbour to turn his music down at 3am.
I believe some of this is down to having been made to feel at St James' that my feelings about anything were not important and that I had no right to assume or expect to be treated with any kind of respect, but should instead bow to everyone elses needs and wants and keep quiet.

Actually the worse thing for me is not being able to cry at all I have learnt to stop myself at all costs and this I attribute almost entirely to St James'. I was very often accused of lying at school having been accused of things I had not done. I for quite a long time refused to accept responsibilty for things I had not done and would stick up for myself. I could be very stubborn! However after a certain amount of time of being locked in rooms alone for hours and refused food or drink to "think about what I had done" I would get very distressed and angry and end up in tears. This was then an opportunity for (usually my form teacher) to say "if you haven't done anything why are you crying?" I would usually end up admitting to whatever it was after hours of denying it as i couldn't stand it any longer. I believe this has a huge amount to do with why I stop myself from crying as I associate it with being accused of lying and generally being made to look weak. I am also aware that I am now frightened to cry or get angry as I feel out of control and there is a part of me that is scared once I open the flood gates I may struggle to close them!

Did anyone else experience the thing they seemed to have about lying?

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Postby Alban » Tue Nov 29, 2005 11:35 pm

Hi JC,

Yep, I don't think there's anyone who went to those schools who didn't experience the "lying" thing - I personally got caned more times than I care to remember for lying. Perversley, this just tended to make us practice it more to get better at it....another teaching triumph at St Vedast!

As usual though, it was generally used as just another stick to beat the children with, certain pupils seemingly accused for every "crime" comitted, while others were never questioned.

As for the anger, yep, and the fear of confrontation, yep also - although this forum has helped my understanding of it and in so doing has made it a lot easier to deal with.

JC wrote:I believe some of this is down to having been made to feel at St James' that my feelings about anything were not important and that I had no right to assume or expect to be treated with any kind of respect, but should instead bow to everyone elses needs and wants and keep quiet.

Call me a sceptic, but I'd be willing to bet that St James are still turning out children with exactly the same emotional baggage as they always have - Baggage that will probably only start to weigh them down many years after they've left the regime.

Good luck to you JC, may your bags grow lighter!


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