A Parents View
Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 3:19 pm
Few parents of St J & St V pupils have contributed to the BB. Perhaps like me, they haven't wanted to open up this particular can of worms.
Coming to the site finally and spending some hours reading the posts, I ended up feeling utterly drained. Like many I suspect, I did not know the full extent of bullying and intimidation being meted out by some of those we trusted with our children.
My response is a maelstrom of confusing emotions - guilt followed by self justification - anger at the teachers involved - compassion for those who suffered and admiration for their courage in bringing it out now - repugnance at the venom some of them exhibit - recognition of the paranoia bred by the schools lack of transparency.
The 'sins of the fathers ' are truly born by the children, generation after generation. No parent starts with a clean sheet. We all think we are 'normal' and that we will avoid making the mistakes our parents made. It seems that all we do is make different ones and get to recognise it only when it is too late.
I now recognise that my personal insecurity allowed Mr Debenham to persuade me that my childrens problems were entirely my fault and had nothing to do with the teaching staff. We crossed swords many times over decisions that were taken and I was livid at the arrogant attitude that the biggest problems that boys had, was their mothers ,and his dismissiveness of the value of home life.
At the time, my husband and I were in the SES which even in retrospect I value as an experience despite some major reservations - most particularly over their attitude to emotions and the feminine nature.
I was able to take what I felt was of value in the Advaita Philosophy and reject the more bizarre overlay with deep scepticism. With a good tutor, the philosophy sessions were illuminating and uplifting, with a limited tutor they were hell and we assuaged our frustration over a few beers at home.
I tried to keep my negativity about SES from the children on the basis that it would stop them coming fresh to their own experiences and make it harder for them to accept the authority of their teachers.As a family we were used to testing ideas out ourselves rather than accepting them wholesale from any authority. In the early years of SES my tutor encouraged this as it is the only way to turn information into understanding through personal experience.
What I now realise is just what pressures this put on the children. If I got to a point where what was negative for me, outweighed what was positive, I knew I could leave the SES but they did not have the same degree of self determinism over their situation. The rigidity, repression and inescapability of the situation sat particularly heavily on the fiercely independent one . I don't think we had enough home time for his feelings to be expressed in anything other than tempestuous outbursts directed against his parents. We put it down to hormones ! Actually I needed to listen more carefully to what was behind these outbursts rather than react defensively to maintain my authority as a parent.
This said, there were positive aspects to the day schools which were not evident in the state schooling available to us. All schools have some able teachers and some inept ones but when violent and abusive behaviour results, the headmaster and the Board of Governors have a duty of care to the children in their care and MUST act to remove the teachers concerned.
This generation more than any other can be helped through alienating and destructive events in their past with society's shift in attitude and with counselling. My generation and my parents generation could only survive by burying these things - something far more long term destructive than the catharsis of the bulletin board. Buried pain and anger must be allowed it's free expression as the first step in healing. Only then can the individual move on. At least now it is being dealt with by our children -- there are many in society who do not even know they have a problem.
As parents we may or may not be allowed to help.
One thing we can do is to take their experiences seriously and really listen and HEAR in a way we might not have been able to at the time.
Coming to the site finally and spending some hours reading the posts, I ended up feeling utterly drained. Like many I suspect, I did not know the full extent of bullying and intimidation being meted out by some of those we trusted with our children.
My response is a maelstrom of confusing emotions - guilt followed by self justification - anger at the teachers involved - compassion for those who suffered and admiration for their courage in bringing it out now - repugnance at the venom some of them exhibit - recognition of the paranoia bred by the schools lack of transparency.
The 'sins of the fathers ' are truly born by the children, generation after generation. No parent starts with a clean sheet. We all think we are 'normal' and that we will avoid making the mistakes our parents made. It seems that all we do is make different ones and get to recognise it only when it is too late.
I now recognise that my personal insecurity allowed Mr Debenham to persuade me that my childrens problems were entirely my fault and had nothing to do with the teaching staff. We crossed swords many times over decisions that were taken and I was livid at the arrogant attitude that the biggest problems that boys had, was their mothers ,and his dismissiveness of the value of home life.
At the time, my husband and I were in the SES which even in retrospect I value as an experience despite some major reservations - most particularly over their attitude to emotions and the feminine nature.
I was able to take what I felt was of value in the Advaita Philosophy and reject the more bizarre overlay with deep scepticism. With a good tutor, the philosophy sessions were illuminating and uplifting, with a limited tutor they were hell and we assuaged our frustration over a few beers at home.
I tried to keep my negativity about SES from the children on the basis that it would stop them coming fresh to their own experiences and make it harder for them to accept the authority of their teachers.As a family we were used to testing ideas out ourselves rather than accepting them wholesale from any authority. In the early years of SES my tutor encouraged this as it is the only way to turn information into understanding through personal experience.
What I now realise is just what pressures this put on the children. If I got to a point where what was negative for me, outweighed what was positive, I knew I could leave the SES but they did not have the same degree of self determinism over their situation. The rigidity, repression and inescapability of the situation sat particularly heavily on the fiercely independent one . I don't think we had enough home time for his feelings to be expressed in anything other than tempestuous outbursts directed against his parents. We put it down to hormones ! Actually I needed to listen more carefully to what was behind these outbursts rather than react defensively to maintain my authority as a parent.
This said, there were positive aspects to the day schools which were not evident in the state schooling available to us. All schools have some able teachers and some inept ones but when violent and abusive behaviour results, the headmaster and the Board of Governors have a duty of care to the children in their care and MUST act to remove the teachers concerned.
This generation more than any other can be helped through alienating and destructive events in their past with society's shift in attitude and with counselling. My generation and my parents generation could only survive by burying these things - something far more long term destructive than the catharsis of the bulletin board. Buried pain and anger must be allowed it's free expression as the first step in healing. Only then can the individual move on. At least now it is being dealt with by our children -- there are many in society who do not even know they have a problem.
As parents we may or may not be allowed to help.
One thing we can do is to take their experiences seriously and really listen and HEAR in a way we might not have been able to at the time.