I'm not sure where to start with this.
I've been aware of this website and the inquiry for about 2 years. I only heard about the inquiry from an old classmate after it had concluded, though I'm not sure I'd have got involved with it anyway. Yesterday is the first time I've really logged on and read about it, watched the Channel 4 news article and started to read some of your posts. It's all a bit depressing, isn't it? And I think that's why I've stayed away till now.
I feel the need to express/share some of my experiences, thoughts and feelings. I've thought about doing this as a blog, but for now I'll post here and it'll probably come out in dribs and drabs over the next few days & weeks.
Why am I writing this?
Actually I'm really clear about my purpose in being here: what it is and what it isn't.
- I want closure and I think that expressing myself like this will help me achieve that.
- I want to express myself somewhere other than a personal diary. It somehow needs to be expressed to other humans. I guess this says I need some validation from others who will understand.
- I do not want to stoke the flames. I'm keenly aware that recollecting some events (and reading recollections) can cause other memories to surface and that this can become almost an addictive self-serving behaviour. Been there, done that, not interested in going there... and actually I don't need to go there.
- This is personal. In a sense I don't even need it to be read; I just need to express it. If you want to respond or add to this, feel free, but I'm not soliciting responses and I'm not sure if I want/need to be in touch with former inmates(sic).
- I'm not interested in effecting a change (at SES / St James). Maybe it's a step too far for me right now. Maybe it's that I think my creative energies are better focussed elsewhere. Maybe I think it's a lost cause.
- I am also not interested in apologies or reconciliation. For myself, closure is more about me becoming ready to let go of the past and let it be. I understand that everyone needs to find their own path to closure and that apologies work for some. For me, I would find an apology trite. And I think the belief system runs so deep with some of these individuals that true reconciliation would be impossible.
I want to start by thanking those of you who have brought the issues to light and provoked the inquiry. Whilst I am being more selfish about my motives, I am grateful to you because over the past 2 years this has allowed me to recognise "I was abused." It's still very painful to say that, but it's better than quietly believing that I was alone and somehow over-sensitive, weak, etc. etc..
I am aware that I may well be inconsistent and self-contradictory above and no doubt below, but that's the world of emotions and hey, I'm okay with that. I won't be entering into debate on what I write.
For the time being at least, I want to remain anonymous, and I make no apologies for that. My posts may make it obvious to those who know me and you're welcome to private message me, but I'd ask that you respect my anonymity in the public domain.
I was at St James for 8 years in Mr Torpy/Mottram's class, 1975-1984.